Drapes
by Marcab
Summary: Kyuubi has something to say about privacy. Crack... totally random. : Character bashing, but it's the Kyuubi so it'd be expected. Rated T for language and some implied adult themes...


**Disclaimer:** Don't own Naruto… but if enough of us ganged up on Kishi-sama and then I backstabbed everyone else… Muahahaha .

**Author's Note:** The Kyuubi is a female in this one, because it goes better with my idea. There's no other evidence about its gender, other than my personal convenience.

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**DRAPES**

Kyuubi was pissed.

No, _pissed_ would be an understatement. Homicidal maybe. But then again as any respectable demon, she was always homicidal. But now- now she had an actual reason to want to burn everything to cinders aside from petty tantrums. It appeared that _everyone_ and their freaky ninja grandmas seemed to find it okay to drop by for a visit.

No respect for her privacy. Sure she was _bubbly_ and foxy and looking entirely badass in her cage, but a lady had sensitivities too.

At first it was just the brat dropping by whenever he was in a bind whether that meant that he needed a ridiculous amount of kage buushins- which she personally thought was a waste of time because the damn things would pop if you so much as stuck a needle in them- had to face perverts with ridiculously long tongues, disturbingly obsessed with little boys – okay, she had to admit this one _was_ dangerous, though not to the brat's ass- and, her personal favorite, when he needed to summon ridiculous amphibians with nasty habits such as smoking. Someone should sin-tax () that frog…

Then everyone seemed to know about her. That was more or less okay. She's tough and the obscene comments of mortals held no bearing to her. But next time she was out, those villagers' asses were grass and she was going to smoke it. Just because. There was that pervert old man who brought the damn frog into the picture, the old hag with that filthy snail and the annoying but possibly tasteful pig, that disconcerting walking mass of complexes that called himself Gaara… Seriously, she was feeling bad for poor Ichibi… Shukaku had his job cut out for him with that insomniac whelp. Yeah, what better host for a demon that comes out when one sleeps than an insomniac.

Honestly, Kyuubi often felt that whoever made the laws of existence was snippety drunk when they wrote down the part about tailed demons. And had a messed up sense of humor too.

After that came the real fun part. A gang of god-wannabes, calling themselves _Akatsuki_ – which she though was fitting because it must have been dark, blurry, can't-see-past-your-nose midnight when they came up with their master plan- decided they wanted to draw her out of the brat.

No one asked how she felt about sudden changes. No respect or consideration for her feelings at all.

The damn blond Hokage trapped her inside a bloody _blonde_ infant who took years and years to even notice her. That was a blow to any woman's ego. When he did, he turned out to be quite the disrespectful little tyrant. Typical man. She hoped that he finally managed to hook up with the bubblegum girl just to find he's gay. It'd serve him right and she's fall on her back, point and laugh. She knew she would point. Just because it'd drive the brat insane. And what could he do? She was _in_ him.

And just when she thought her plan was perfect and had settled nice and comfy in her cage- and she knew, just _knew_ that Yondaime had had a little too many s&m sessions, coming up with a _barred cage_ and all- those bastards decide they want her to move _out_ again. Inside an _eye_, no less. Come on, a kid was barely roomy enough for her, how was she supposed to live inside an eye? And her neighbors would be grumpy old demons like Ichibi. They would brag about the villages they destroyed, she would do the same and they would end up fight. Verbaly, because they'd be otherwise restrained. Oh, the humiliation... Guess what losers, you all ended up inside Jinchuuriki too.

Thanks, but no thanks.

But the final straw was drawn when that damn Uchiha decided to make himself at home. She had just about coaxed that brat into removing the seal too. Out of cage time, yo... But nooooooooo! The Uchiha brat had to interrupt. And not just interrupt. He was mean and burst her bubbles too. All of them. Guess that bone about Uchiha Madara fell on the sidelines. She was sure the brat would ask and then she's strike a bargain. But, as her luck would have it, she fell on the smug, high and mighty type.

It was in the middle of her seething that the brat decided to drop by with his usual feisty attitude. "Kyuubi, lend me your strength as rent-!"

"Bite me."

He didn't expect that, did he? He blinked and stared stupidly at her. What was he going to do, kick her out? She pulled her ears back in annoyance resembling a hissy cat more than an angry fox.

"I have a couple of conditions, if I'm going to help."

The boy looked confused. "I'm in a bit of a bind out there-"

"First. I want respect. No more dropping by whenever you feel like it. You don't call, you don't write, no flowers- the least you can do is show some humility."

The boy blinked.

"Second. I want drapes."

He shook his head, apparently remembering that he was in a hurry. "Okay, whatever... wait... drapes?"

"None-negotiable."

The boy looked disturbed. "Uh... okay... I'll ask Ero-sennin what we can do about it..." he rubbed the back of his head with his hand apparently at a loss.

Finally satisfied that her dignity would be seen to, she focused on the new matter at hand with a blood-thirsty smile. "So... who do you want to kill?"

If possible, the brat looked even more disturbed, but started to explain.

It was times like these that the Kyuubi knew that, in spite of her baritone voice, her host suspected she was female. She could pull mood-swings like nobody's business, but bribing her with colorful drapes might help make it better.

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() sin-tax is an actual tax they enforce in Canada in stuff that are harmful like alcohol and cigarettes. Kid you not.

That was random. Had to write it tho. .

M.


End file.
